


But Broken Pieces Make Beautiful Mosaics

by lipsstainedbloodred



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Post canon, panic attacks (mostly implied)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-22 19:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7451266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipsstainedbloodred/pseuds/lipsstainedbloodred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil Josten is a broken, damaged thing. Pieces of a tattered personality and a traumatized mind, scared and skittish with one foot always out the door. And on Nathaniel Wesninski's birthday, he runs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Broken Pieces Make Beautiful Mosaics

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the dialogue prompt "don't yell at me" from an anon.

Neil’s not exactly sure when it started, this itch under his skin that he can’t get rid of. It’s there when he wakes up in the morning, it’s there during practice, it’s there when he goes to bed at night. It’s even present when Andrew’s pressing him to the rough gravel of the rooftop, hands and lips everywhere and Neil is undone, he’s undone. And that’s the frustrating part of this itch, this itch to run and leave everyone and start over again because he’s been in one place too long and he can’t stay, he can’t. It’s frustrating that he wants to run even when Andrew is hovering over him and placing kisses on his neck. 

He hates this part of himself. This need to run and run and run. He wants to dig the itch out from under his skin, bloody his finger nails pulling this toxic piece of himself out and throw it away. He wants to _stay_. Andrew told him to _stay_. His team told him to _stay_.

But it’s January 19th and Neil can’t anymore.

It falls on a Wednesday and Andrew’s in therapy so it’s really easy for Neil to pack a bag and slip out of the dorm unnoticed. He takes back alleys and stays off the main roads. He’s not really thinking about anything beyond what he’s going to call himself the next place he stops in, what his back story is going to be, what interests his new self is going to have. He comes to a screeching halt about ten miles away from campus. His feet dig into dirt on the side of the road and refuse to budge. His mind is screaming at him in his mother’s voice to keep moving.

He can’t.

So he sits down instead and stares at the road. Behind him lies Palmetto State University and the Foxhole Court. Behind him is his ragtag family, his life, his purpose. A court that he belongs on and a person that he calls home. Behind him are his keys and his phone and a broken promise that he would stop running. And all that’s in front of him is an empty road.

Neil’s hands have found their way into his hair and he tugs hard at it, hoping the pain of it will ground him, but nothing grounds him the way Andrew’s hand on the back of his neck does. It barely helps. He focuses on trying to breathe through the wave of panic that floods over him. The Foxes do not deserve this broken and damaged wreck that is Neil Josten, they deserve so much more. The deserve someone who’s held together by more than just safety pins and duct tape and the weight of a hand on the back of his neck and a calm voice that tells him to stay.

Neil Josten is a broken thing, all sharp jagged edges and pieces that don’t fit. One foot always out the door, a lie balanced on the tip of his tongue, a patchwork personality of things he doesn’t know are his own or fabricated. And a voice always, always in the back of his mind reminding him to run. 

Neil is tired.

He eventually stands, and by now it’s well after dark, and makes the long walk back to Fox Tower. Running would be faster, but he feels like if he walked any faster than a light jog he might turn and start running in the other direction.

“You are Neil Josten,” He reminds himself, voice soft enough to be swept away by the light South Carolina breeze. “You are a Fox. You are going to stay.”

The ten miles back to Fox Tower feel like one hundred. The bag slung over his back an impossible weight, the itch under his skin so much that he digs his fingers into his arm in an attempt to make it stop. All he does is claw a bloody welt onto his bicep.

Renee and Allison are in the lobby of Fox Tower, sharing a chair and Allison’s leg bounces anxiously. They both stand when Neil walks in and Allison’s face contorts into a look of rage. “Where the fuck have you been?” She shouts, stalking over to get in Neil’s face.

Neil doesn’t answer, just stares at the wall behind her. He digs his fingers into the strap of his bag, his grip white knuckled.

“You left your fucking phone, your keys.” She says, not shouting but her voice is full of fury and fear and Neil understands. “Half of your shit was just gone. You didn’t show up for practice. Matt and Dan and Aaron have been looking for you all afternoon. I’ve called every fucking hospital between here and Columbia to make sure you weren’t in the fucking emergency room. Your monster just about killed Kevin again thinking he knew where you were.”

“I’m sorry.” Neil says, but he still won’t look Allison in the eye. He realizes belatedly that Renee has disappeared. 

“Fuck.” Allison says, running her hand over her face. “Just don’t do this again.”

“Andrew, wait.” Renee says from somewhere behind Neil.

Neil is knocked into the wall a second later by a furious Andrew Minyard. Andrew’s hand wraps around his throat threateningly and Neil thinks it’s the first time he’s been able to breathe all day. And that’s a shame because Andrew is actually going to kill him this time.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Andrew snarls, his hand flexing and cutting off Neil’s ability to breathe.

Neil makes a small choking sound and Andrew’s hand relaxes just a little, just enough he can get a shallow breath in. “I ran.” He says.

Andrew clenches his jaw. His hands are shaking.

Neil is suddenly aware of the fact that Andrew was scared. Andrew had come back to their dorm to find Neil gone, his phone and keys on his pillow, and no note or anything to explain his disappearance. He feels guilt ball in the bottom of his stomach, tying him into knots. 

“I came back.” Neil says.

Andrew’s hand flexes again, briefly, and then all at once he lets go, his expression dangerously blank. “Next time you should just stay gone.” Andrew says and then he walks away, taking Renee with him. 

Dan, Matt, and Aaron walk in just a second later. Dan opens her mouth, her expression as furious as Allison’s hand been, but Neil cuts her off. “Don’t yell at me.” He says, and he must sound as brittle as he feels because Dan closes her mouth and clenches her jaw. 

She walks over to him and pulls Neil into a fierce hug. “Don’t you ever do something like that again.” She whispers into his hair and Neil finds himself clutching her back just as hard. Something in him shifts and settles. The ball of guilt in his gut won’t let go, but this fierce display of protectiveness eases him just a little.

“You can stay with us tonight.” Dan says, but Neil shakes his head.

“I’m fine.”

She shoots him a dirty look and he ducks his head.

“Not up for debate, kid,” Dan says. “I’m not letting you out of my sight for at least two days.” Unbelievably, Neil laughs, his face pressed into Dan’s shoulder. She holds onto him for a moment longer before letting go. “Come on,” she says.

Upstairs, Kevin and Nicky are waiting in the hallway. Nicky’s wringing his hands like a worried mother, and Kevin’s expression is stormy, bruises on his arms where Andrew had gone after him, thinking Kevin knew where Neil had gone again and not told them. When Kevin sees them he says, “I told you someone should have stayed to watch him today. I told you something like this would happen.” He looks down to address   
Neil. “That was a stupid stunt you pulled today, don’t ever do it again.”

“Fuck off, Kevin.” Neil replies and doesn’t wait to hear Kevin’s retort. It cuts a little too deep knowing Kevin understands him better than he understands himself.

It’s another day before Andrew will talk to Neil. 

Dan finally let Neil go back to his dorm, satisfied that whatever his panic had been about it had abated. He wouldn’t tell her everything about why he ran, but he knew she understood at least enough to know he wouldn’t do it again. Everyone had been terrified that he was gone, Dan explained, they all thought Ichirou or some of the Butcher’s men had gotten to him and that ball of guilt in Neil’s stomach turned to spikes and barbs.

In return he told her about the itch, that maybe he wasn’t cut out for a normal life. Dan told him it wouldn’t be easy, but he didn’t have to work through it alone. “You have to trust us to help you,” she said. “That’s what family is for.” And with that she’d released him back to his dorm.

Neil’s finishing putting his shirts back in their drawer when Andrew walks in. They stare at each other in silence for a while before Andrew turns and walks back out the door. Neil follows.  
Andrew takes them up to the roof, puts two cigarettes between his teeth and lights them as Neil sits down next to him, within arm’s reach but just barely. Andrew hands one of the cigarettes to Neil and that’s as much of a sign of forgiveness to Neil as anything, so he finally lets himself relax. It’s a while before either one of them speaks, and when they do its Neil that first says, “I’m sorry I ran.”

“You came back.” Andrew replies.

“I’ve been hearing her voice for weeks. Telling me I’ve been here too long, that I need to get out.” Neil stares up at the smoke curling up into the air and glances at Andrew. “I guess it got too much on my birthday.”

“Your birthday isn’t until March.” Andrew says, matter of fact. Andrew knows Neil’s real birthday is January 19th, he’s not stupid. Neil hears _‘leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father’_ in the back of his mind and breathes a little easier. “Yes or no?”

“Yes.”

Neil expects Andrew to kiss him, but Andrew just slides into his space and cups the back of Neil’s neck with his hand. Andrew blows smoke into the space between them and Neil slumps forward, resting his forehead on Andrew’s shoulder. He’s distantly aware of Andrew putting out both of their cigarettes, but all he can really focus on is Andrew’s sturdy form holding him together. Andrew is the steady rock that Neil beats against, ocean waves pushing and pushing but never breaking. Neil wonders if he’s weathering Andrew down, breaking him down bit by bit and the thought disturbs him so he lets it go. 

Neil doesn’t want to break Andrew.

“You’re a mess.” Andrew says, running his hand up and through Neil’s hair.

“What else is new?”

Andrew hums in response, his hand running down Neil’s back. “I’m going to kiss you now, yes?”

“Yes.” Neil says weakly.

Andrew kisses him, holding Neil’s face in his hands, thumbs running over Neil’s cheekbones. Neil shakes apart in his grip, but Andrew holds him together. Kisses him until his pieces are soft and smooth and Neil feels fully relaxed for the first time since he got back home. When Andrew pulls away he breathes “stay” against Neil’s lips and Neil feels the itch under his skin finally, finally settle.


End file.
